TEAM JACK #13: THE LOST EPISODE

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Concept artwork by the amazing Axel Ortiz

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Bonus coolness…. I was there.

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First off. A very happy New Years, despite what I said to you on New Years. My blood sugar was low and I was on a quarter ounce of Mushrooms. Also; You were being a bitch.

As I know you lead a busy life being a doctor or playing a doctor on television. I know there’s a stethoscope involved. I’d like to take this time to gently remind you of the resolutions I made and very intendedly plan on sticking to; in this, the last year on this planet (unless the Mayan’s are wrong, and how could that happen? They invented Slingo !) I resolve to be the best husband of all time; save FDR because that guy was a saint. I resolve to take up Squash because it’s classy and healthy. I resolve to learn all the words to “End of the World as We Know It” in case I’m ever asked on-stage at a concert to sing it when the lead singer can’t remember all the words. And last but not least- I resolve to passionately embrace my new hobby… Taxidermy.

Imagine my surprise this morning when I came home from my daily roustabout, only to find that the stuffed Gannet I left on the kitchen table had been moved to my study. Oh… what the fuck?! Do you what a Gannet is? Well Doc, I’ll tell you. It’s a large black and white, long billed sea bird that lives in the Northern Atlantic region, particularly Scotland and the Shetland Island. Do you know where the Shetland Islands are?! I’ll tell you where they are not, at Target, which again- I know we need toilet paper but I refuse to support and company that makes an idol out of a voilent concept. You KNOW I love The Sheriff of Nottingham. You knew this about me before we were married. That’s why our wedding was Sheriff of Nottingham themed. That, and cause it was cheap.

So you moved the Gannet, which I spent hours deciding placement on. And you just put it on my desk. IT WAS PERCHING YOU DUMB ASSHOLE! When have you ever seen a Gannet just sitting on a desk? And yes, you left the other Taxidermy alone; up to and not including the monitor lizard in the bath, the lesser vole above the mantle, and most importantly- the Latvian gentlemen still greets me at the front door. Good form. ALMOST-…

So now that the Gannet has been moved and thereby ruined, so is the kitchen. And through the math of transitive properties; as goes our marriage. That Gannet was important to me; almost  as important as it’s place perching on the stack of tea cozies. If I can’t trust you to leave my things alone on January 1st, how could I hope to maintain a healthy and thriving taxidermy collection throughout the new and last year?

In summation, I think I wan’t a divorce.

P.S And yes, a dead animal in the kitchen may not be the most hygienically sound concept, and yes; I do already have a small Gannet collection going on my desk, of which this newest one really does look smart with; but it’s the point that counts. The point that you hate me and everything I stand for.

-Matt  Cohen

HoneyWhistle Manor, Devonshire, New Jersey.

1873-1884.

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White Slice all up in your grill (brick oven)

And because I drink WAY too many of these before the Phish show on Thursday night.

Unidentified flying Matthew

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The Voice of SIR, Kyle Hebert!

Come get some…

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- Benjamin “Spankin” Franklin

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Matt Cohen here, on a blustery (almost blunder-blustery) December day. As I sit in my Lemonade Parlour, which is adjacent to the large Solarium and two doors down from the small Lunarium; I can’t help but take stock of the year that has been.

First off: All this sending a man to the moon Hullabaloo! I’m for it! And how!!!

In my own life, 2011 brought the birth of a new podcasting hat, that of a producer (incidentally a producer hat is actually a sporty head-band, so not really a hat at all but you know… semantics). Between Mohr Stories, Team Jack and a very fun stint on Waking From The American Dream, I have had the chance to “Cut my teeth” (literally. Diamond bristled toothbrushes ftw, bitch) as a producer/further refine my engineering skills. I honestly thought with the closing of the SmodCastle my pod-load would lessen a bit, rather; It’s become my full time gig. Which rocks. All of your socks. Don’t believe me? Check your socks… That’s what I thought.

Another personal pod milestone for me this year was the launch of my second weekly podcast, SMidnight ; co starring everyone’s favorite lovable scamp (re: Punk) Matt Cruz . Every Saturday night at 9 (or Smidnight, depending on where you hang your hat/or producer head band), I get the pleasure of chatting with Cruz and the world about all the geeky things currently stuck in my craw. Getting the chance to do a live, old school, call in radio show has been a dream come true for a dude who grew up listening to 5 hours of Howard Stern a day. Honestly, my work with Smod and of course, Kevin Smith has allowed me to really live out a lot of my adolescent/teenage fantasies- Comedy Theater Manager, Producer, Radio Host, Chip and Dale Rescue Ranger. It’s been a dream.

In keeping with the theme of dreams, because really folks- all that we see or seem is but a dream about that episode of Step By Step where Carol and Karen enter a mother-daughter beauty pageant; 2012 is the year I swing for the fences. Yes, the last half decade has been one happy surprise after another, but I feel like it’s time I take the reigns a bit and start driving this bald headed and yet mysteriously good looking tankard of a life.  As I write this, I am one week away from a one week long Phish odyssey in New York City. I arrive back in Los Angeles on Jan 1st, 2012.

The day it all begins. Again. For the last time. Maybe, hopefully.

MY PLANS FOR 2012: Bullet List Stylee- cause we all got shit to do

• Bagged & Boarded is back!: Not gonna lie- With all that went on this past year, B & B has fallen unfortunately, a bit to the way-side. Remedied very soon. There have basically been four incarnations of the show, in it’s four year history. Each with it’s own pros and cons in my mind., however- Each a part of the show. In 2012, I’m mashing that shit up like that dude from Girl Talk (I think his name is Dj Skrillex Maus). Starting on New Years Eve, and EVERY Saturday after that- B&B is back, in one of many ways. The new format is thus: Format party. Basically, every week I’ll switch up what kind of episode airs. Either a “Brave and the Bold” (me and a buddy just shooting the shit), A “Bagged & Boarded Live! (Me, celeb guest, usually recorded with a live audience), A “Experts of Everything and Nothing (An in depth fan episode where myself and a guest chat about one subject we are both passionate about) or lastly, a “Dream-Jobs” ep (Myself and folks who get to do amazingly cool stuff for a living). So whatever type of ep it may be, you’ll get a fresh B&B every week from now on. Believe that, shit.
  
  
• SMidnight: Is going nowhere fast. I love it. Cruz loves it. 2 people love it! As the show grows, I think we are finding a good steady pace for it. New segments, contests, guests, ways to interact coming in the new year. Saturday is podcast day, yall. Eat your eggos with some B&B, drink yourself to sleep with SMidnight. The in-between is up to you.

• Vlogs: Some people say I have a face for podcasting. Those people have never looked at me over a candlelit dinner, my eyes peering back into theirs; almost reading their very soul. It’s a party trick I do. Youtube/videos are one part of the net’experience I have always overlooked. No more. I will look it, now. EVERY week, peep a new VLOG at my Youtube HQ for your visual perusal. Subscribe/comment/rate/spank bank it. Have a party. The vlog will really allow me to do “mini podcasts” when I’ve got something to rant or rave about. Peep the freshness. Then go to my youtube page.

• G.E.E.K: I’ve been talking about this one for a while, but not really going into details. It’s time for full discretion. I have written a graphic novel (with the editing help of Mr. Shawn Depasquale). I have also enlisted the help of the INSANELY talented artist, Axel Ortiz (peep his work HERE). However, this is gonna be a group effort. In early January… I Kickstart this ish. I know, very original, however- tricks/fun in store to make it different than the usual “donate money to my geek thing thing!”. The whole process has been insanely fun and I can’t wait to share this book with you cats. It’s basically my take on a “superhero team”. So capes, villains, fights, deep mythology, intrigue, double-crosses mixed with lots of “inside geek stuff”, weed, jokes, pop culture, celeb cameos. It’s got it all. If you’ve ever dug anything I’ve done, I really think you’ll have a great time with G.E.E.K. It’s probably the most unfiltered ”Me” thing I’ve ever done, if that makes any sense. And it does. Boom. Mind’s blown. Stay tuned for the Kickstarter announcement soon and ways to get involved.

• Art: I spend a lot of time doing art projects that noone ever sees. Alot of time. Like, 20 hours a week. I’d like to share with the class. I’m taking my favorite pieces and turning em into high quality prints for purchase at nominal fees! (so nominal, you guys). If you’ve ever wanted to own and proudly display a piece of me without going into stalkery/mutilationy territory, here’s your chance. All prints will be available (as well as shirts and some more fun stuff) at the newly launched Camel Toad Store, coming in early 2012.

• Mixtape: I like to rap. All Jewish kids from NY do. Blame Beastie. However, now with the help of lil Mr rap  guy Matt Cruz, I got the means to do it right. Don’t expect anything gamechanging. Or do? I don’t know you, man. Live your own life! Coming soon in your earholes.

• Comedy Sketches: These may not be as frequent at first, due to time constraint/budgetary concerns (ie, no time or money) but I’ve assembled quite the comedy troupe to help me bring some of my sketches to life this year, and starting very soon, you’ll be able to see the fruits of our labors. Cause we dont wear pants. Peep the YouTube Page for updates.

• Secret Projects: There’s a bunch I can’t talk about, either do to sensitivity or just not wanting to jinx. However- I got a lot more planned this year, with such illustrious folks as Misti Dawn, Jen Friel, Mike Hatton , Taylor Negron and many more. A mix of what I do now (podcasting, producing shows, etc) and some new fun (acting, writing, directing) If all goes according to plan, you will all be SICK of me by sometime in March. Love-Sick. SNAP!!!!!! take a breathe. SNAP!!!!! oh, shit.

All the above, along with a COMPLETE RELAUNCH of CamelToadProductions.com, and lots more to come throughout the year. Down with naps, up with homework! If by this time next year none of these things happened, I will move back in with my parents (nope). And that’s a promise! (not). Im very excited and more excited that you folks can come along the journey with me. Bring a canteen, a few cliff bars, maybe a frisbee? And let’s have ourselves a walk-about in 2012!

And a very happy non denomination winter time greeting to you all.

Who am I kidding.

Happy Chanukah!!!! You KNOW you love those candles!

- Matt Cohen Esq (self ordained)

12/21/2011 “The Lemonade Parlour”

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Matt Cohen, here; Podcaster.

Yes, that’s right. I cast mad pods. While I’ve been involved in the game since 2008, the past year or so of my life has been colored by all things podcasts. When I started Bagged & Boarded with Jesse Rivers, I never thought it would lead to a full time gig, let alone lead to anything accept my probable falling out with said, Jesse Rivers- which hasn’t happened yet; Fingers crossed, though). And yet- here we are in the year DM15 (15 years post the opening of Demolition Man, which is standard unit of measurement amongst the geeks of the world) and my days are spent either chatting on podcasts, recording podcasts, editing podcasts, eating podcasts (wait, what!?), producing podcasts, listening to podcasts… lots of podcasts. And as one of the full-timers, I think I may be in a position to give some helpful tips to other folks who are thinking about throwing their caps into the proverbial pod ring. Think of is as online college, only free (but still as completely arbitrary). I’ll be doling out some advice based on the experiences I’ve had as a podcaster. Take it or leave it. It’s free. On second thought, don’t leave it. That’s how you get mice.

Let’s begin, shall we?

SESSION 1: THE BASIC GEAR or I NEED A MICROPHONE FOR THIS?!?!

So you want to start a podcast? You and your buddies are burning to chat the night away about whatever it is you want to talk about. Cool. Calm down, man, You’re missing some vital steps. Audio quality; other than content of course, is the single most important aspect of producing a quality podcast. AND, a high quality show can be achieved at relatively little cost and very easily.

Many new podcasters (including myself) make the mistake of rushing out the content before they are really ready to present a quality show to the world. Podcasting is pretty damn simple  and with the following handy guide to the gear you’ll need before you get rolling, you should be off and running in no time.

You’ve really got two options. Now I say that, but in reality you’ve got tons of choices as far as recording goes. However, these are the two ways I’ve found the easiest and most affordable. If anything here doesn’t particularly float your boat and you know your tech, feel free to sub something you feel would work better in your case. However, if you’re a total novice to this, I’d really recommend going either of these routes.

OPTION 1. NO FRILLS  (No Mixer/USB mics)

Here’s what you’ll need.

GEAR LIST: Quality USB mics (see below for recommendations), Microphone pop screens, A computer with audio recording software, Quality Headset.

THE SET UP: This is as basic as it’s gonna get folks. Follow: Plug your USB microphone directly into your computer. Open up your audio recording software. Choose your USB Mic from the Input list, as your audio source. Plug in your headset, record a sound-test. Adjust levels accordingly, BOTH on your microphone and on your computer audio input settings. Once you have reached a level you like, record and you are off to the races. Export as mp3, upload to internet, become a rockstar. That simple.

TIPS: With your average USB condenser mic (which is what you’ll want), more than two people on the microphone is greatly stretching it as far as audio quality is concerned. You’ve got a two person show? Drop that bad boy in between you and you’re good to go. More than two people? You might want to check out the next option.

TECH RECO’S: First and foremost, I am in no way endorsed or compensated by any of the following companies- I am just a fan and have found these to work well for me in the past and today.

USB MICS- I’m a BLUE microphones guy when it comes to USB. One of the industry leaders for all recording equipment (that Blue Bottle is sexy…. and thousands of dollars). You’ve got a few options; the snowflake, the snowball- both decent mics and super affordable, but I say skip right to the top of the line and get yourself a BLUE YETI ($89-1$100). THX certified, headset enabled, sexy as fuck, and incredibly easy to use. There is also a pro-model, but for the price ($230-250) you might as well get a XLR mic and move to a more complex setup. Unless, that is- you prefer a no mixer, USB rig- in that case, BLUE YETI PRO FTW

POP/WIND SCREENS: For less then $5, you can make your podcast sound leaps ahead most of the flock by adding a simple pop-screen to your microphone. What’s a pop screen? Basically a fuzz ball/screen that cuts out all the loud annoying “Pops” when you say the letter P or B. Do it. For how cheap and easy this is to add to your rig, it’s almost inexcusable not too. Also- buy a screen that fits whatever mic you decide to use. There are hundreds of options. Look around.

AUDIO RECORDING SOFTWARE: Firstly, are you a MAC or a PC person? If you answered the latter- I would strongly reconsider your position on all things computing. If you are hoping in ANY way that this podcast is more than a hobby, you’re gonna want to be able to record/upload/edit as seamlessly and quickly as possible, and when it comes to functionality: nothing beats a MAC.

FOR MACS: Bought your comp in the last few years? You’re in luck… you’ve got a free program already installed that will meet most and all BASIC podcasting needs. GARAGEBAND, yo. It’s clean, user friendly, does all you’ll need and you already have it. Mess with the settings until you get a “project setting” you are happy with for podcasting (and don’t be tempted by the array of voice effects-… not needed.) and do it up. Again, this is as BASIC as it get’s and due to that you won’t have as intuitive controls as you may find on another program, however- if you’re just starting off, this is really a great and again FREE introductory way to go.

FOR PC’S: I will freely and openly admit this is unknown territory for me as I haven’t touched a pc in over a decade but I hear that AUDACITY is the way to go- Free, user friendly and an industry standard. But really… get a MAC

QUALITY HEADSET: How much quality is really up to you- just know that to really guage an accurate level of your recording, you’ll need to be able to accurately hear said recording. I-Phone ear buds, while easy to carry (and sexy as fuck) just won’t do the trick. Invest in a quality set of headphones and you won’t regret it. Price range- $60 to However much you want to spend.

And with that, ANYONE should be able to start podcasting immediately and put out a pretty decent quality program, for really only the cost of a Microphone and the time of setting up your computer for ideal record levels.

However… if the above is lil’ kid shit…. I got your fix.

OPTION 2. PUT SOME FRILLS ON IT (XLR MIC/W MIXER SETUP)

Here’s what you’ll need.

GEAR LIST: Quality XLR mics (see recommendations below), XLR Cables, Microphone Pop Screens, A MultiChannel Stereo Mixer, A “Mixer Out” cable, A computer with audio recording software OR a portable audio recording device, Quality headsets.

THE SET UP: If you’re not super familiar with audio tech, this may be a tad confusing but with some trial and error I really believe that anyone can use/set up a mixer, and therefore take your cast to that next level. Screens go on mics, then XLR mics gets plugged into the XLR inputs on your mixer- Now come OUT from your mixer, through either the RCA out or Stereo out jacks, using ANY red,white to coax (audio input) cable- bring this cable INTO your computer OR audio device through the provided input, fire up your recording/editing software- than using your quality headset, monitor the levels and adjust accordingly, BOTH on your mixer and on your computers audio input settings. Press record, talk… podcast gold ensues.

TIPS: If you are using XLR mics and mixer, you care about audio quality. Don’t forget one of the most important tools that any potential podcaster can use- LIVE MONITORING! If you can’t do it yourself, have a buddy sit on the mixer and ride the levels during the show. NOONE speaks at a solid decibel for an hour straight- there will always be deviations and fluctuations. Throw somebody on the mixer OR the computer (I prefer monitoring from my comp as thats where the recording levels “really matter” and let them adjust levels/tweak settings DURING the record. You will be SHOCKED at how much better your show sounds and how little you cap out, audio wise. Also, and I can’t recommend this enough- found settings you like? TAKE A PICTURE! That way if anything evert changes on your mixer, you always have a handy visual reference for what you have to do to get things back to a level you like.

TECH RECO’S:

XLR MICS: You’ve got a world of options when it comes to microphones so if you have one you like, go for it. I am a SHURE man myself. However, SENHEISER also makes great XLR’s. Basically, buy a mic you are comfortable with price wise and sound wise. No ONE mic is the PERFECT podcasting mic. Some prefer condensers. Others (myself included) Studio/Live performance mics. Spend some cash on what is the MOST important tool in your podcast rig (other than your delightfully innate ability to weave a good yarn) $90-$300. Find a mount/holding style that works for you and go to town. If there is ANYTHING to invest money on podcast in, it’s gonna be your mic. Check reviews/comparison shop/listen in person if you can.

POP/WIND SCREENS: Most standard XLR’S have screens specially made to fit those specific mics. Get them. You won’t regret it.

MIXER: Again, you’ve got tons of choices. How many folks will be speaking on your podcast? Is there even a chance you may add more over time/have the need for extra mics? Err on the side of more inputs. Another big decider- USB vs. Not USB. Now there is zero categorical evidence to show that USB powered Mixers are less than their Old School brethren; however- im old school. I just can’t ever trust a USB connection fully, with something as important as your audio source. Also, I prefer a non USB myself as I can pretty much plug in to ANY setup and podcast (and that works both ways- get the right cables and you can tap into ANY mixer). Phantom power is nice but not a must, however- Get a mixer with AC power. You never want to have to rely on batteries. Myself, I’m a BEHRINGER man. Easy to use, tons of inputs and intuitive controls.

MIXER-OUT CABLE: Welcome to the wonderful world of cables. You can go quarter inch or eigthh inch, rca or not- It all depends on what mixer you wind up with. HOWEVER, EVERY mixer on the planet will work (audio output wise) with a cable that looks like this-  . Red and White ends plug into two red and white OUTPUT jacks on your mixer, Black end is your INPUT on your comp or recording device. $10-$100

AUDIO RECORDING SOFTWARE: You’ve stepped up in all the other categories, why not up your software game as well? Now is this a highly personal matter and everyone has software they prefer, but the following seem to work for most of the top podcasts i know of. AUDACITY, SOUNDTRACK PRO, FINAL CUT PRO- Basically, get an editing program meant for something much more complex than a podcast, and you get the controls and options that go with it. This, may be pricey but over time once you start getting “fancier” it’ll become totally worth it.

QUALITY HEADSET: Same reasons as before, only now you might want to set up a headset hub so the podcasters can hear themselves while they speak rather than just the person mixing/riding/teching the show. I personally don’t use one, as my MAIN goal with podcasting is to get my guest to forget they are on a microphone, but many prefer it.

And that’s that- Same rules apply as before. Know your gear, practice using it, do extensive audio tests and rock and fucking roll.

Now— For a glimpse into my world (in case you want to be a copycat)

MY RIG:

MICS: SHURE BETA 58A for Podcasting/Live audio recording (with SHURE windscreens)                                              BLUE YETI PRO for random stuff/when I’m too lazy to hook up my mixer

MIXER: BEHRINGER 1002B XENYX MIXER

MIXER-OUT CABLE: MONSTER STERO CABLE (Stereo Audio 400i Ultra High Performance Audio Cable)

COMPUTER/AUDIO RECORDING SOFTWARE: MAC BOOK PRO running SOUNDTRACK PRO

HEADSET: Monster BEATS Studio/High Def

And with that a monkey could podcast (and he does! Check out BanannaCast for simian style hilarity on a weekly basis). This, is as easy as it’s going to get. The next step is a bit tougher. Content, son.

Stay tuned for the next installment of Podcast 101 in which I present my “10 Commandments for all new Podcasters”. It’ll be biblical (in a good way)

Until then,

Dust of those mics and fire up those internets, kids.

Cause the world needs more podcasts!

-Matt Cohen 9/13/2011 Branson, Missouri (Yakov Smirnov’s)

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