Not my video, but my concert.

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Howdy interweb.

Matt Cohen here, on a blustery (almost blunder-blustery) December day. As I sit in my Lemonade Parlour, which is adjacent to the large Solarium and two doors down from the small Lunarium; I can’t help but take stock of the year that has been.

First off: All this sending a man to the moon Hullabaloo! I’m for it! And how!!!

In my own life, 2011 brought the birth of a new podcasting hat, that of a producer (incidentally a producer hat is actually a sporty head-band, so not really a hat at all but you know… semantics). Between Mohr Stories, Team Jack and a very fun stint on Waking From The American Dream, I have had the chance to “Cut my teeth” (literally. Diamond bristled toothbrushes ftw, bitch) as a producer/further refine my engineering skills. I honestly thought with the closing of the SmodCastle my pod-load would lessen a bit, rather; It’s become my full time gig. Which rocks. All of your socks. Don’t believe me? Check your socks… That’s what I thought.

Another personal pod milestone for me this year was the launch of my second weekly podcast, SMidnight ; co starring everyone’s favorite lovable scamp (re: Punk) Matt Cruz . Every Saturday night at 9 (or Smidnight, depending on where you hang your hat/or producer head band), I get the pleasure of chatting with Cruz and the world about all the geeky things currently stuck in my craw. Getting the chance to do a live, old school, call in radio show has been a dream come true for a dude who grew up listening to 5 hours of Howard Stern a day. Honestly, my work with Smod and of course, Kevin Smith has allowed me to really live out a lot of my adolescent/teenage fantasies- Comedy Theater Manager, Producer, Radio Host, Chip and Dale Rescue Ranger. It’s been a dream.

In keeping with the theme of dreams, because really folks- all that we see or seem is but a dream about that episode of Step By Step where Carol and Karen enter a mother-daughter beauty pageant; 2012 is the year I swing for the fences. Yes, the last half decade has been one happy surprise after another, but I feel like it’s time I take the reigns a bit and start driving this bald headed and yet mysteriously good looking tankard of a life.  As I write this, I am one week away from a one week long Phish odyssey in New York City. I arrive back in Los Angeles on Jan 1st, 2012.

The day it all begins. Again. For the last time. Maybe, hopefully.

MY PLANS FOR 2012: Bullet List Stylee- cause we all got shit to do

• Bagged & Boarded is back!: Not gonna lie- With all that went on this past year, B & B has fallen unfortunately, a bit to the way-side. Remedied very soon. There have basically been four incarnations of the show, in it’s four year history. Each with it’s own pros and cons in my mind., however- Each a part of the show. In 2012, I’m mashing that shit up like that dude from Girl Talk (I think his name is Dj Skrillex Maus). Starting on New Years Eve, and EVERY Saturday after that- B&B is back, in one of many ways. The new format is thus: Format party. Basically, every week I’ll switch up what kind of episode airs. Either a “Brave and the Bold” (me and a buddy just shooting the shit), A “Bagged & Boarded Live! (Me, celeb guest, usually recorded with a live audience), A “Experts of Everything and Nothing (An in depth fan episode where myself and a guest chat about one subject we are both passionate about) or lastly, a “Dream-Jobs” ep (Myself and folks who get to do amazingly cool stuff for a living). So whatever type of ep it may be, you’ll get a fresh B&B every week from now on. Believe that, shit.
  
  
• SMidnight: Is going nowhere fast. I love it. Cruz loves it. 2 people love it! As the show grows, I think we are finding a good steady pace for it. New segments, contests, guests, ways to interact coming in the new year. Saturday is podcast day, yall. Eat your eggos with some B&B, drink yourself to sleep with SMidnight. The in-between is up to you.

• Vlogs: Some people say I have a face for podcasting. Those people have never looked at me over a candlelit dinner, my eyes peering back into theirs; almost reading their very soul. It’s a party trick I do. Youtube/videos are one part of the net’experience I have always overlooked. No more. I will look it, now. EVERY week, peep a new VLOG at my Youtube HQ for your visual perusal. Subscribe/comment/rate/spank bank it. Have a party. The vlog will really allow me to do “mini podcasts” when I’ve got something to rant or rave about. Peep the freshness. Then go to my youtube page.

• G.E.E.K: I’ve been talking about this one for a while, but not really going into details. It’s time for full discretion. I have written a graphic novel (with the editing help of Mr. Shawn Depasquale). I have also enlisted the help of the INSANELY talented artist, Axel Ortiz (peep his work HERE). However, this is gonna be a group effort. In early January… I Kickstart this ish. I know, very original, however- tricks/fun in store to make it different than the usual “donate money to my geek thing thing!”. The whole process has been insanely fun and I can’t wait to share this book with you cats. It’s basically my take on a “superhero team”. So capes, villains, fights, deep mythology, intrigue, double-crosses mixed with lots of “inside geek stuff”, weed, jokes, pop culture, celeb cameos. It’s got it all. If you’ve ever dug anything I’ve done, I really think you’ll have a great time with G.E.E.K. It’s probably the most unfiltered ”Me” thing I’ve ever done, if that makes any sense. And it does. Boom. Mind’s blown. Stay tuned for the Kickstarter announcement soon and ways to get involved.

• Art: I spend a lot of time doing art projects that noone ever sees. Alot of time. Like, 20 hours a week. I’d like to share with the class. I’m taking my favorite pieces and turning em into high quality prints for purchase at nominal fees! (so nominal, you guys). If you’ve ever wanted to own and proudly display a piece of me without going into stalkery/mutilationy territory, here’s your chance. All prints will be available (as well as shirts and some more fun stuff) at the newly launched Camel Toad Store, coming in early 2012.

• Mixtape: I like to rap. All Jewish kids from NY do. Blame Beastie. However, now with the help of lil Mr rap  guy Matt Cruz, I got the means to do it right. Don’t expect anything gamechanging. Or do? I don’t know you, man. Live your own life! Coming soon in your earholes.

• Comedy Sketches: These may not be as frequent at first, due to time constraint/budgetary concerns (ie, no time or money) but I’ve assembled quite the comedy troupe to help me bring some of my sketches to life this year, and starting very soon, you’ll be able to see the fruits of our labors. Cause we dont wear pants. Peep the YouTube Page for updates.

• Secret Projects: There’s a bunch I can’t talk about, either do to sensitivity or just not wanting to jinx. However- I got a lot more planned this year, with such illustrious folks as Misti Dawn, Jen Friel, Mike Hatton , Taylor Negron and many more. A mix of what I do now (podcasting, producing shows, etc) and some new fun (acting, writing, directing) If all goes according to plan, you will all be SICK of me by sometime in March. Love-Sick. SNAP!!!!!! take a breathe. SNAP!!!!! oh, shit.

All the above, along with a COMPLETE RELAUNCH of CamelToadProductions.com, and lots more to come throughout the year. Down with naps, up with homework! If by this time next year none of these things happened, I will move back in with my parents (nope). And that’s a promise! (not). Im very excited and more excited that you folks can come along the journey with me. Bring a canteen, a few cliff bars, maybe a frisbee? And let’s have ourselves a walk-about in 2012!

And a very happy non denomination winter time greeting to you all.

Who am I kidding.

Happy Chanukah!!!! You KNOW you love those candles!

- Matt Cohen Esq (self ordained)

12/21/2011 “The Lemonade Parlour”

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A weekly blog in which I dissect and inseminate my favorite films.

Get excited.

I also don’t think I used one of those words right.

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For the sake  of preserving current feelings for posterity, I thought I’d jot down some words on the subject of the SmodCastle closing.

Good. I hate it. And all of you…

Whoah, right? So not what you were expecting. Thought I’d be all gracious and shit. Maybe even get sentimental. Well, you’re right. I will. I just like to keep you on your toes. It makes it much easier to sweep you off your feet.

Yes… I just made that up. I know… No, I know!

Anywho. For realsies. SmodCastle. Closing. My Thoughts… Go.

Read the rest of this entry »

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For more me brand hilarity, peep this site daily and check out the FB  fan page

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A new webcomic!

“The Hollywood Tales of SSSid Green”

Get excited or something….

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How the greatest band of all time and about 50,000 lucky fans rang in 2010.

Phish – “Meatstick” 12/31/10 New Year’s Eve from Phish on Vimeo.

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Soon.

#UltimatePod-Tease

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Here’s to not being a sociopath in 2011! hooray!

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1972. Who would’ve thunk it?

Make it a good one folks.

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Welcome to the bloggiest blog post I’ll ever make. Lucky…

Hello friends- I feel like that is an appropriate introduction, as in the last year or so I have been in the extremely fortunate position to make a whole bunch of new friends. If you are reading this, for whatever reason, there is obviously something you find “worth while” about me/my stuff, and I thank you for that.

Let me level. I’m sort of a dick. Yeah, I have fun and can bring up an obscure geek reference with the best of em’, but at the end of the day: I’m sort of an asshole. This is not something I recently discovered, but rather a self instituted policy from years back. Now I don’t steal from people, or physically hurt people or anything like that; My “dickishness” is more of a mental thing.

Allow me to explain: And this it where it may get weird.

I don’t believe in god, or an afterlife- and couple that with the fact that I’ve always had an extreme fear/paranoia of death, things have gotten kind of intense in the last few years, as far as my mental acceptance of this process we call “Life”. I have always been morbid/depressed, but things came to a head recently, when I got my dog Hellmutt. Oh, and don’t think for a second this blog won’t be semi-pathetic (as all good blogs are). Yes, my dog fucked me up.

My dog is my life. “Meant to be” is an understatement for me and this mutt- We were destined for each other. He is, other then my family and the theater, my entire world. Life became a lot more bearable when he came  into it- but, at the same time- life got a schedule. Dogs, even small dogs like mine, don’t live more then 15 or so years. Natural fact. Something, I have an insanely hard time accepting. So instead of enjoying my best friend without reservation,  I am constantly doing “life math”- figuring out how much time we potentially have together. This started within a week of getting my dog. It quickly extended to the humans I love in my life as well. Which, is both sickening and unhealthy. And it needs to stop.

And, it kind of made me a monster.

At some point on this new morbid, fatalistic kick, I decided that since we all will inevitably go to nothingness (in my opinion), and that every single organic thing on this planet has died- nothing mattered anymore. If I’m just a speck of dirt in the sandlot of existence, what real weight to my deeds/actions have? If I’m gonna disappear entirely one day, why should I care? Why shouldn’t I only and always be concerned with myself, it at the end of the day, everything and everyone I know and love will die? Isn’t life too short to be concerned with other people?  Their feelings? Emotions (which was a concept I shamefully found laughable for the last few years)?  Why should I bother returning calls, or emails- or not embarrassing people in public? Who the fuck cares? I’m going to die… and none of this will have mattered.

And here is where I admit timing did sort of benefit me a bit. In this new “Fuck everyone but me” mindset I entered, I also realized that I had to make my own life- meaning, I had to dedicate myself to myself- and this timed out amazingly with the start of my career at the SmodCastle. For the past 8 or so months, I have worked harder and better then I ever have before, committed myself more fully to one thing then I ever have. The SModCastle became the meaning of life. Which, I definitely think didn’t hurt. I have managed to get more done since the theater opened then I had in 24 previous years of living. I am genuinely proud of that, and even prouder that I was able to accomplish what I set out to do, and that I didn’t let anyone down. Maybe even did a decent job. That rocks. And professionally? I’m obviously at the best place I’ve ever been in. The last year has been a whirlwind of professional triumphs for me and I am truly thankful for the opportunities/responsibilities I have been given.

Thank you to everyone involved in the SmodCastle, from the performers, to the guests, to the audience. You make dreams come true every single day. The past year has been unforgettable and almost hard to believe. Bigger and better. I don’t deserve to work/live amongst such awesome folks. #AllHailSmod

That being said… still kind of a dick. And sure, I’ll admit- I’m funny sometimes. I dig my stuff. I think it works. And nothing will change my comedy/art. That is a part of me that has always been there and was just waiting for a chance to escape. The “Me”- still gonna be that acerbic asshole I’ve always been. And that’s fine. That’s comedy. Feelings dont (shouldn’t) get hurt and I think I can make a genuine separation between my craft and myself.

But- come January 1st of 2011- the douchebag is dead. People do matter. And I should care about their feelings. Because- and here is where this whole idea came together;  They are probably just as miserable (sometimes) as me. And I know how much I hate when people add to my already mounting list of stress/worries/shit. And I’ve let myself become that dude. I’ve put my priorities over the feelings/respect of my friends, and they’ve stuck around. It’s time for a change. I am no longer going to let emails/voicemails go unanswered for months; I am going to check my occasional anger/frustration in public, as it’s embarrassing  for both me and the other party. I am going to make a genuine attempt at being a normal human being, whatever that means. I think a good start is just changing the way I interact with other people. No more scowling. I’m not 15 and goth. No more taking others time/efforts for granted. I have been so “one tracked” with my career, that I have really kind of shut myself away from other people (someone recently quipped “Dude, you are going full out Howard Hughes”). That sucks. On a personal level, I guess I am sort of lonely. Ready for sillyness again: I have to remind myself, I’m not Alexander the Great- I’m a fucking geek podcaster My “Goals” are not the kind that people should have to go through great pain/sacrifice over. I’m not conquering countries here. I’m doing comedy. And sure, all comedy comes from some place of pain, but it shouldn’t be painful for the others around me.

Now if you don’t know me in real life, and are like ‘Huh?”- it’s cool. This is just something I felt I needed to put out into the world to make real. I am always claiming attempts at self-improvement, but quickly set that aside for attempts at self progression. NOTHING will change about the way I do my comedy. I will not lose my “Edge”. I will not stop ripping on Brendo (on stage, at least)- Just know that I will be a lot happier off stage from now on then I have been in a long time. And hopefully those around me will to.

This is just more of a promise to the people in my life who have put up with a lot of bullshit, and a fair amount of arrogance in the past few years. I know… And I always know that for sticking by me, you all rock. And I will now level- it’s not personal: I haven’t cared about “friends” in a long time. If I haven’t returned a voicemail/email/message in a long time, it’s not you- it’s everyone not directly involved in my professional life. All I have cared about is work, and this isn’t to say that my work will diminish- rather, I think I can manage a successful business and successful personal life as well. They are not mutually exclusive. Everyone does it, and I’m not as special as I like to think. Selfishness is no longer the new black.

I have put certain things on the backburner for the sake of motivation:  A social life, a love life, my standing with certain people, naps

And while I wouldn’t take back the last few years for anything, I want to try and make the next few even better! And- I do run a comedy theater. People should be my bread and butter. The miserable thing isn’t cute anymore and the older I get I’m sure the more ridiculous it becomes. It’s back to appreciating people, their time, their work- just them. Someone I respect once told me “People are beautiful, man” and I’ve forgotten that. Time to rediscover the human race.

So, come midnight on Januray 1st, life resumes. Real life. Because, if I am right, and we only do get one shot at this thing, maybe people are the thing that make it worthwhile.

Or- I could be totally wrong and if so, fuck you all….

- A semi-humbled Matt Cohen

P.S Happy Holidays and a very happy New Years

P.S.S – This will only make sense to me, but it makes a lot of sense to me.

“We want you to be happy, don’t live inside the gloom.

We want you to be happy, come step outside your room.

We want you to be happy, cause this is your song too.” – Phish

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I’ve only been awake for a combined 2 hours today.

Hello 4 am.

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