Word of the day: Fair Market Value

TUPPENY- Adj: Of Trifling Worth


AS IN

“How much for a handjob?”

“A Tuppeny.”

“Word.”

Aesthetic of the Evening: Where it all began

The Worlds First Comic Book

 

 

List-Less: Top 5 Gatorade Flavors

TOP FIVE GATORADE FLAVORS OF WHICH I WILL TAKE FREE SHIPMENTS IF I MUST….

5. Watermelon Ice: PROS: Tasty, Tasty Watermelon Juice. CONS: Inherent racism.

4. All-Star Lemon Lime: PROS: The exact same flavor as Lemon-Lime  CONS: The “Cocky Deuche” of the Gatorade world.

3. Frost Alpine Snow: PROS: So light it almost classifies as a gaseous state. CONS: Snow isn’t a drink flavor.

2. Fruit Punch PROS: Delicious, sugary bug juice  CONS: The “I just mouth fucked the Kool-Aid Man” look

1. Lemon Lime (Natch): PROS: Heaven in a yellowish liquid  CONS: My blood isn’t made of it.

Sketch of the Day: Ken Dural

Quote of the day: Dear Abbie

“The ’60s are gone, dope will never be as cheap, sex never as free, and the rock and roll never as great.”- Abbie Hoffman

My Favorite Cities at Night: Burlington, Vermont

Song of the Day: Tell Em Paul

Super Villians: They’re just like us! “Batroc’s To-Do List”

Bagged and Boarded Live!: 7/29/2011 @ Golden Apple Comics!

FREE TIX!!! COME ON DOWN AND GET TALKED NERDY TO, AND SUCH!

GOLDEN APPLE COMICS AT 7018 MELROSE AVE IN HOLLYWOOD!

Sketch of the day: A little fermented curd…

Letters to my Fake Wife: Justice League Pajama Pants

Dearest Dear

Hi. Or should I say, Heil; because you obviously only married me to live out some sick fetishistic Nazi roleplaying fantasy in which you make an innocent Jew’s (Me) life a living hell.

Where to begin?

I distinctly remember asking you to run by Target and pick me up a pair of Justice League pajama pants as the pair I already owned were well past wearability. Now I make no claims at being a fashion guru or anything, but even I could see that these pants had reached the end of their natural life-span. “Sure, honey” was your response. And shame on me… I believed you. For some reason I thought the years of loyal devotion and adequate to “s’alright” lovemaking had earned me the respect and trust I so strive to give to you. Well, Frau Von Shnitzlen (Your new nickname). You win. You cold heartless bitch. You win.

I returned home from my weekly “walkabout” which I make sure to schedule at a time that doesn’t interfere with my familial obligations; because I’m that kind of man, only to find a Target shopping bag sitting on the kitchen counter. “Hurray” I foolishly thought to myself. “My beloved beloved has come through again!”. I eagerly tore my pants off (and let’s not kid ourselves- they were half-way off anyway) and rushed to the bag to try on my brand new Justice League pajama bottoms only to find.—…

Superman Pajama Bottoms.

What the FUCK is wrong with you?!? Do you have any kind of a heart left in that contorted by hate shell you call a body?!?! Superman IS NOT the Justice League! AND I KNOW YOU KNOW THAT! I TELL YOU ALL THE TIME!!! All the “pop quizzes” I give you at dinner- The flashcards-.- What do I even try for? Why do I even bother? Don’t you think If I wanted Superman pajama bottoms I’d just buy them on my own? If we’re being totally honest, I really only wanted the Justice League pants for Martian Manhunter; who doesn’t have his own merchandize but I didn’t think you needed to know that. I didn’t think it was any of your business (which is the business of hating Matt, apparently). Did you even look for Justice League pajama bottoms, or is this some kind of twisted modern day mob message?

I am at a loss.

So in summation; I think I want a divorce. And yes, I found a pair of unworn Justice League pajama bottoms wadded at the back of the dresser like you said would be there, and yes- the Superman pants are pretty awesome; but it’s the principle. If I can’t trust you to know the difference between one Superman and an entire Justice League, how can I trust you to know the difference between apple juice and liquid cyanide (which you know I insist on keep in stock at all time) when feeding our hypothetical child?

P.S- Can you grab another pair of these Superman pants on your way home tonight? These bad boys breathe!

-Matt Cohen Esq. (Self Ordained)

My favorite cities at night: Gotham

Song Of The Day: Hello Again

This week’s PodCasts…

BAGGED & BOARDED 107: MR T. HATES KIDS w/ special guest Phil Lamarr!

THE LAST SMODCASTLE SHOW/MY SMODCAST CO-HOST SPOT! SMODCAST 176!

MY NEW PRODUCING GIG AND THE WORLD’S #1 PODCAST- MOHR STORIES #1 “PUT YOUR NAME ON IT”!



Tokin’ Word: Edgar

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